Positive Change or Positively NO Change?

   Stepping through the doorway of our bathroom, my wife found me in front of the sink looking into the mirror combing my hair. She approached and we began to exchange small talk and discuss the items that were on our agenda for that day. After a few moments and halfway through her sentence, she stopped and gazing at the side of my head exclaimed, ‘I don’t believe it. Do you know you have some grey hairs coming in?’

   Now there are many things a husband wants to hear from their wives. For instance, have you been working out? You look good; you’re a great provider for our family; you’re so handy…these are all acceptable comments. What doesn’t make it on our short list are phrases like…You’re not going to wear that are you? Do you think you could finish the addition on our house before our toddler gets married? Does this outfit make me look fat?

   For clarification sake, let’s say the grey haired comment didn’t make it on my short list [Honestly, I’m thankful for all the hairs I have on my head at this point regardless of their color]. But this did remind me of the fact that change is inevitable. No matter how much we try to fight it, deny it, or cover it up, change comes.

   The question I want to ask is, do you allow meaningful change to enter your life or do you fight all change as a threat to your tranquility? In other words, are you afraid of change or do you consider change a part of life and personal growth?

    In a world full of critics and naysayers, it’s easy to become locked into a routine. It’s safe. It’s comfortable. There are little or no surprises. So many people have been frozen with indecision and won’t do anything because they’re afraid about what others might say or think about them or what might happen. But what are we giving up by remaining inflexible? What are we giving up by never trying something new? If we never venture out of our comfort zones or if we never attempt anything that we might fail at, we will never know our real potential.

    Unless we allow change in our life, how can we grow, improve, or learn from our past mistakes? Maybe, our greatest criticisms don’t come from the outside world. Maybe they’re nestled within the deepest recesses of our minds, and they whisper to us our shortcomings and past failures often. Furthermore, the belief that we can keep anything from changing is a myth. Everything changes. There is only One who is immutable (unchanging) and that is God.

   I miss absolute truth. It’s been dying over the past 2 decades, and few people have noticed or missed its presence. In its place our culture has come up with this ‘say-only-what-is-positive-and-nice’ mentality. It doesn’t matter whether it’s true or not. But people don’t need to be smiled at and told what they want to hear. Jesus didn’t say, you will know happiness and a smile will set you free. No, He said, ‘You will know the truth and the truth will set you free.’ John 8:32    

    If we come across error in someone’s life [our own included], are we not to lovingly instruct them with the truth? I would go so far as to say that we’re not loving them if we don’t speak truth. All of us need someone in our lives who is not that impressed by us. Meaning, we need someone who will tell us what we need to hear. And when we hear it, the best thing to do isn’t ‘build up a wall’ and plan our counter-offensive. The greatest three words that we should remember at these moments are …we can change. We can change our behavior, our outlook, and even our current lifestyle. In other words, We are free to learn, grow, and change behavior. We don’t have to be relegated to our current station in life.

   In the same way, change is something we expect out of our children. We love them; we instruct them; we correct them; we feed them knowledge, and they change. There’s an assumption of growth with children. It would be cruel to wish our children to remain the same. It’s unhealthy when they don’t grow.

   Brooke Greenberg loves shopping and listening to music according to her parents. But for the past decade or so, she has baffled the doctors. Brooke, for some unknown reason, hasn’t grown past a toddler. Many doctors have tested and tried, but they are unable to diagnose her condition because they can’t find what’s causing it. At age 16, she is 30” tall and still has her baby teeth. The only visible growth in Brooke’s life is her hair and nails. Some have even dubbed her ‘The Fountain of Youth’ because she doesn’t appear to have aged. Why is her story so remarkable? Growth is expected, and when it doesn’t happen, we know something has gone wrong.

(For more on Brooke, visit http://abcnews.go.com/2020/Health/story?id=7880954)

   When it comes to adults, why is it that we’re all too willing to accept monotony? We get locked into a routine and a way of life and lash out at anyone or anything that challenges our ‘security.’

   Have you ever considered that some of the changes being pushed on us are not from society? God actually wants us to change. These aren’t trivial changes either. He wants the kind of change that only His Spirit can provide. These changes are meant to make us like Christ. Not to turn us into exact replicas of Jesus where we all walk around in robes and grow beards, but to take us and teach us how to trust, pray, live, and act as if Jesus were in complete control of our lives.

    Do you know the greatest part about it? We’re not left to make these changes on our own. In fact, there’s no way we could ever produce the change that’s needed in us.

    William Temple used to illustrate this point in the following way: 
   “It is no good giving me a play like Hamlet or King Lear, and telling me to write a play like that. Shakespeare could do it; I can’t.
   And it is no good showing me a life like the life of Jesus and telling me to live like that. Jesus could do it; I can’t.  
   But if the genius of Shakespeare could come and live in me, then I could write plays like his. 
   And if the Spirit of Jesus could come and live in me, then I could live a life like his.”  

   Contrary to what others may say, God wants us all to succeed. Not in the way the world defines success, but to live out our lives doing what He made us for.

   We need to remember that no one by their words can place us in a ‘box’ or control our lives unless we allow them to…God included. And He’s the only one who has the right. And His change is good and perfect, and comes to us when we are filled with His Spirit. This is the meaningful change that all of us needs. This is the change that the world is longing to see.

Loving Your Wayward Child

   Recently, I’ve had several conversations with Christians who have poured out their hearts in concern over the choices and spiritual conditions of their children. One detail I’ve noticed is that these individuals come from all walks of life. Thus, this problem isn’t isolated to any certain group within The Church. Even though all of my children still live at home and most -those who are old enough to understand- have professed faith in Christ, I find myself often crying out to God for their life’s journey and choices.

I know I’m not ‘suppose to’ worry, but my heart aches with just the notion that one of them would walk away from the faith. I’m constantly reinforcing to them (and will probably do so today) that their faith has to be their own and not mine or their mothers or anyone else’s. So, I post this article, not as one who is judging your parenting skills (past or present), but as a fellow brother in Christ and parent who joins in your concerns and prays for our precious children. We serve a mighty and loving God who longs for all people to come to Him, and I believe He can save anyone…our children included.

   The following article was written by the son of one of my favorite authors and speakers, Pastor John Piper. At one point, Abraham Piper’s spiritual journey got so far out of hand that the church where his father was Pastor excommunicated him. Thankfully, the story doesn’t end there. Abraham returned to the faith and wrote some great advice from the unique perspective of a ‘Prodigal son’ now reborn. I pray this helps…

12 Ways to Love Your Wayward Child
Abraham Piper

   Many parents are brokenhearted and completely baffled by their unbelieving son or daughter. They have no clue why the child they raised well is making such awful, destructive decisions. I've never been one of these parents, but I have been one of these sons. Reflecting back on that experience, I offer these suggestions to help you reach out to your wayward child.

1. Point them to Christ.

   Your rebellious child's real problem is not drugs or sex or cigarettes or pornography or laziness or crime or cussing or slovenliness or homosexuality or being in a punk rock band. The real problem is that they don't see Jesus clearly. The best thing you can do for them—and the only reason to do any of the following suggestions—is to show them Christ. It is not a simple or immediate process, but the sins in their life that distress you and destroy them will only begin to fade away when they see Jesus more like he actually is.

2. Pray.

   Only God can save your son or daughter, so keep on asking that he will display himself to them in a way they can't resist worshiping him for.

3. Acknowledge that something is wrong.

   If your daughter rejects Jesus, don't pretend everything is fine.

For every unbelieving child, the details will be different. Each one will require parents to reach out in unique ways. Never acceptable, however, is not reaching out at all. If your child is an unbeliever, don't ignore it. Holidays might be easier, but eternity won't be.

4. Don't expect them to be Christ-like.

   If your son is not a Christian, he's not going to act like one.

You know that he has forsaken the faith, so don't expect him to live by the standards you raised him with. For example, you might be tempted to say, "I know you're struggling with believing in Jesus, but can't you at least admit that getting wasted every day is sin?"

If he's struggling to believe in Jesus, then there is very little significance in admitting that drunkenness is wrong. You want to protect him, yes. But his unbelief is the most dangerous problem—not partying. No matter how your child's unbelief exemplifies itself in his behavior, always be sure to focus more on the heart's sickness than its symptoms.

5. Welcome them home.

   Because the deepest concern is not your child's actions, but his heart, don't create too many requirements for coming home. If he has any inkling to be with you, it is God giving you a chance to love him back to Jesus. Obviously there are some instances in which parents must give ultimatums: "Don't come to this house if you are..." But these will be rare. Don't lessen the likelihood of an opportunity to be with your child by too many rules.

   If your daughter smells like weed or an ashtray, spray her jacket with Febreze and change the sheets when she leaves, but let her come home. If you find out she's pregnant, then buy her folic acid, take her to her twenty-week ultrasound, protect her from Planned Parenthood, and by all means let her come home. If your son is broke because he spent all the money you lent him on loose women and ritzy liquor, then forgive his debt as you've been forgiven, don't give him any more money, and let him come home. If he hasn't been around for a week and a half because he's been staying at his girlfriend's—or boyfriend's—apartment, plead with him not to go back, and let him come home.

6. Plead with them more than you rebuke them.

Be gentle in your disappointment.

   What really concerns you is that your child is destroying herself, not that she's breaking rules. Treat her in a way that makes this clear. She probably knows—especially if she was raised as a Christian—that what she's doing is wrong. And she definitely knows you think it is. So she doesn't need this pointed out. She needs to see how you are going to react to her evil. Your gentle forbearance and sorrowful hope will show her that you really do trust Jesus.

   Her conscience can condemn her by itself. Parents ought to stand kindly and firmly, always living in the hope that they want their child to return to.

7. Connect them to believers who have better access to them.

   There are two kinds of access that you may not have to your child: geographical and relational. If your wayward son lives far away, try to find a solid believer in his area and ask him to contact your son. This may seem nosy or stupid or embarrassing to him, but it's worth it—especially if the believer you find can also relate to your son emotionally in a way you can't.

   Relational distance will also be a side effect of your child leaving the faith, so your relationship will be tenuous and should be protected if at all possible. But hard rebuke is still necessary.

   This is where another believer who has emotional access to your son may be very helpful. If there is a believer who your son trusts and perhaps even enjoys being around, then that believer has a platform to tell your son—in a way he may actually pay attention to—that he's being an idiot. This may sound harsh, but it's a news flash we all need from time to time, and people we trust are usually the only ones who can package a painful rebuke so that it is a gift to us.

   A lot of rebellious kids would do well to hear that they're being fools—and it is rare that this can helpfully be pointed out by their parents—so try to keep other Christians in your kids lives.

8. Respect their friends.

   Honor your wayward child in the same way you'd honor any other unbeliever. They may run with crowds you'd never consider talking to or even looking at, but they are your child's friends. Respect that—even if the relationship is founded on sin. They're bad for your son, yes. But he's bad for them, too. Nothing will be solved by making it perfectly evident that you don't like who he's hanging around with.

   When your son shows up for a family birthday celebration with another girlfriend—one you've never seen before and probably won't see again—be hospitable. She's also someone's wayward child, and she needs Jesus, too.

9. Email them.

   Praise God for technology that lets you stay in your kids' lives so easily!

When you read something in the Bible that encourages you and helps you love Jesus more, write it up in a couple lines and send it to your child. The best exhortation for them is positive examples of Christ's joy in your own life.

   Don't stress out when you're composing these as if each one needs to be singularly powerful. Just whip them out one after another, and let the cumulative effect of your satisfaction in God gather up in your child's inbox. God's word is never proclaimed in vain.

10. Take them to lunch.

   If possible, don't let your only interaction with your child be electronic. Get together with him face to face if you can. You may think this is stressful and uncomfortable, but trust me that it's far worse to be in the child's shoes—he is experiencing all the same discomfort, but compounded by guilt. So if he is willing to get together with you for lunch, praise God, and use the opportunity.

   It will feel almost hypocritical to talk about his daily life, since what you really care about is his eternal life, but try to anyway. He needs to know you care about all of him. Then, before lunch is over, pray that the Lord will give you the gumption to ask about his soul. You don't know how he'll respond. Will he roll his eyes like you're an idiot? Will he get mad and leave? Or has God been working in him since you talked last? You don't know until you risk asking.

(Here's a note to parents of younger children: Set up regular times to go out to eat with your kids. Not only will this be valuable for its own sake, but also, if they ever enter a season of rebellion, the tradition of meeting with them will already be in place and it won't feel weird to ask them out to lunch. If a son has been eating out on Saturdays with his dad since he was a tot, it will be much harder for him later in life to say no to his father's invitation—even as a surly nineteen-year-old.)

11. Take an interest in their pursuits.

   Odds are that if your daughter is purposefully rejecting Christ, then the way she spends her time will probably disappoint you. Nevertheless, find the value in her interests, if possible, and encourage her. You went to her school plays and soccer games when she was ten; what can you do now that she's twenty to show that you still really care about her interests?

   Jesus spent time with tax collectors and prostitutes, and he wasn't even related to them. Imitate Christ by being the kind of parent who will put some earplugs in your pocket and head downtown to that dank little nightclub where your daughter's CD release show is. Encourage her and never stop praying that she will begin to use her gifts for Jesus' glory instead of her own.

12. Point them to Christ.

   This can't be over-stressed. It is the whole point. No strategy for reaching your son or daughter will have any lasting effect if the underlying goal isn't to help them know Jesus.

   It's not so that they will be good kids again; it's not so that they'll get their hair cut and start taking showers; it's not so that they'll like classical music instead of deathcore; it's not so that you can stop being embarrassed at your weekly Bible study; it's not so that they'll vote conservative again by the next election; it's not even so that you can sleep at night, knowing they're not going to hell.

   The only ultimate reason to pray for them, welcome them, plead with them, email them, eat with them, or take an interest in their interests is so that their eyes will be opened to Christ.

   And not only is he the only point—he's the only hope. When they see the wonder of Jesus, satisfaction will be redefined. He will replace the pathetic vanity of the money, or the praise of man, or the high, or the orgasm that they are staking their eternities on right now. Only his grace can draw them from their perilous pursuits and bind them safely to himself—captive, but satisfied.

   He will do this for many. Be faithful and don't give up.